Remember that one time you finally decided to date that person you’d known for six years but never taken seriously because they made too many bodily function jokes? It seemed like a good idea at the time. You were both on the rebound, looking for something familiar and comfortable to ease the pain. And it worked. So much so that you decided to get engaged three months later. Because, why not? And after six months of flying back and forth – because you were, of course, dating long distance – you finally moved in together. And it was everything you had hoped for, minus all the things you had hoped for. Remember all that? No? Because I do.

A week later, I joined OKCupid for the second time. That week, I got an email from the site telling me about my new matches. And, of course, there she was, right at the top, smiling at me, her username an in-joke that we had developed while watching countless LA Lakers games together. And, sure enough, we matched 99%.

Thanks to some well-timed screen captures, I still have her OKCupid profile. Thanks to my friend’s home-brewed hefeweizen, I’ve also got the chutzpah to analyze said profile. User basics: Female, 26, Sagittarius, has two cats, fake redhead, agnostic, username originated from NBA star Pau Gasol and his humorous facial expressions

First impression: Cute and silly. A girl who wears sunglasses. A girl who likes teal. A girl I would most certainly write.

And then, nearing the one year anniversary of your living together, you popped a Xanax, packed your boxes, and waited for that person to come home from work so you could announce that you were leaving, and there was nothing to be done that could possibly save your broken relationship

Enough about me, let’s talk about all the morons on this site: (My Self-Summary) “Here is what I’ve learned so far from this site: An incredible number of dudes describe themselves as “funny” and/or “easygoing.” // If you have to tell people that you have a great sense of humor, you probably don’t. (more…)